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My Life Story
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| Life Story | My heart beat hard and fast when I first saw myself as a woman.
What a thrill, what beauty, yet such anxiety and fear. I have since settled into a peaceful transgendered life, and can now enjoy expressing a feminine side with great joy! I invite you to read my story... |
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My early childhood had several experiences that indicate there was something different about me early on. The boy next door played with his sisters in junior bridesmaid dresses. My mother wouldn't let me join in, though I wanted to. My aunts would often color my fingernails with clear nail polish. It looked so nice to me. I was told that I was to be a girl and not a boy, but I crossed up my parents' wishes. That was always a peculiar thought that I did not know what to do with. Around 12 years old I saw a science fiction movie where the women took over the government and men wore skirts. I thought, wouldn't that be nice and hoped it would happen someday. Teachers always scolded the boys and would say things like, "Why can't you be more like the girls?" I hated being scolded and grouped with the boys and in times like that I wished I could be a girl.
In adolescence I fell in love with the look of a woman. Feminine beauty would overcome me. I started experimenting with female clothing when I was alone as a teenager. I got caught in a wedding dress by my sister at age 18. Her discover and telling of the family was too much for me to take and that ended it all...for the time being...like in 27 years of unconscious suppression.
The void: From age 18 to age 45, I had no desires to crossdress, a complete mystery to me. I married a beautiful woman and raised a wonderful family. I never lost my eye for fashionable clothes on women, but never felt compelled to wear them. I enjoyed shopping with my wife for her clothes.
At age 45, I changed careers from a low paying vocation I loved to a job that brought much needed financial return. My life was turned about over this change. I could not seem to find myself. Something deep inside was surfacing and I didn't know what it is. My life was at unrest. In order to find myself, I start thinking about and exploring all aspects of my person. By coincidence, I read about crossdressers in a magazine and the thought remained very strong with me. I recalled some of my youthful days of dressing up and desires were rekindled.
At first I experimented with lingerie, but this sexual aspect was not what I wanted. I wanted to return to the days of adolescence when I put on a dress and liked its flowing feel and appearance and the fact that I felt like a girl when I was dressed that way. Then one Saturday I saw a man at a flea market trying on a long curly show-girl wig. He was doing it for the fun of it and his friends were having a good laugh. Me? I was stunned by the thought that I had never seen myself with women's hair and I must get a wig and try it out. Like a ton of bricks falling on me this scene played heavy on my mind with a burning desire to see myself fully dressed as a woman.
It took three tries over three months to drive to a wig store before I got nerve enough to walk in the door and admit I wanted to buy a wig for myself. I was treated kindly and welcomed. When I reached home and put it on, added some makeup and a dress, I was exhilarated. I felt so wonderful, so beautiful, inside and out. My life was about to change forever.
A few days later my preparations for a business trip included buying women's clothes and shoes, some makeup and accessories. During my stay at the hotel, I photographed myself. A one-hour photo shop developed the pictures, but when I saw them I became depressed. I felt guilty and hated myself. Every woman's thing I had, I threw in the garbage thinking that would be the end of it all. Mistake.
Three months later I bought another wig, a better looking outfit, and it was off on another business trip. This time I visited a store that sold corsets and other sexually oriented items. I told the clerk that I'm interested in crossdressing and she showed me some items that would help me look like a woman. I bought a waist cincher to give me an hour-glass figure. As I left she gave me a magazine about drag queens which I just tossed in the bag. Back at the hotel I dressed and had a lot of fun and happy feelings doing it. A few nights later, I read the magazine and it was filled with stories of homosexuality and ads for men seeking sex with other men dressed as women. I was devastated and I erroneously related my behavior to these examples. (At this point in my life I was still suffering from homo-ignorance and homophobia--today that ignorance and phobia has turned to understanding and acceptance.) Overcome again with confusion and depression I left the next afternoon for the airport with the desire to toss off the baggage of all these 'transvestite' feelings. Stopping at the bookstore at the airport, I browsed for awhile and noticed a well-known book on sexuality. I scanned the index and found that it had a section on transvestism. Two paragraphs, no more. Basically it said it's OK to crossdress and a man should not keep it to himself, because it could cause greater damage if it is hidden than if it is known at least to persons who can be trusted with such knowledge.
I was given some comfort by this, but still could not shake the homosexuality thoughts. Upon returning home, I was so guilt ridden and depressed that I had to reveal all this to my wife. She had been my stronghold for over 20 years and I knew she could help me. However, she was shocked and burdened with what she heard and saw in the pictures I took of myself on that second excursion. It was days before we talked again. During her silence she had thought deeply about it all and decided to help me through this even though she could not understand it, did not accept it and did not desire me to be this way.
Three months later, after many conversations and tears, she loaned me a dress of her own and told me that I MUST attend the Tri-Ess support group meeting I had been dreading going to. So I went to the meeting, full of mixed feelings. Wonderful to be dressed up but full of fear that this is a meeting of sexual perverts and gays. How wrong I was to think that. Upon entering the room I was warmly greeted and complimented on my look. In a few minutes I realized that these were OK people and my fears diminished. I talked to a few for a short time, but mostly kept to myself. When I was introduced they applauded for me. I left the meeting three hours later with joy in my heart and renewed in believing in myself as a good and decent person. I vowed to return and find out even more about myself and others who were experiencing the same feelings, struggles and joys that had befallen me.
From then on it has been a success story of overcoming hurdle after hurdle that stood in the way of self acceptance. Little by little I learned more and became more comfortable with my femininity. So did my wife whom I cannot say enough about how she has been patient and loving of me through all this trauma and growth. It took years to become comfortable with my feminine side, and she has constantly told me that she loves ALL of me, just the way I am. My children were told one by one and each has remained loving and respectful of me. I have become active in the crossdressing community as a person who welcomes newcomers who experience the same fears and distress I once had. I was even president of the local support group for a couple of terms.
My
transgendered life is now full of beauty and peace. Journeying to my acceptance
has taught me to accept others as they are, to rid myself of bigotry, homophobia
and other prejudices. It has made me a better person. I love God for creating
me this way, and through other good people, bringing me to this level of acceptance,
inner peace and joy. I wish all of you who read this the best possible experiences
in your own lifestyles.